Just (re)start
(Re)starting is something I have become intimately acquainted with in this part of my life and it is something that I never could have predicted that I would appreciate. Let me elaborate.
Before I was a dancer, I was a university lecturer. Before that, I worked in corporate. Before that, in hospitality. When I take an audit of my life path(s), none of these come close to what I had envisioned for myself when I moved to New York City 17 years ago.
As I write this, I am flooded with images of a young girl who was stubborn yet flighty, confident yet wary, but always curious. The latter has not changed.
But as I grew into the brambles of adulthood that demanded one be certain and continue on a/any path, I felt the intense urge to pivot. Back then, I saw it as simply no longer finding my surroundings befitting. Eventually, it felt like a sign that was not capable. And finally it became clear, I am a person who, at their core, is driven by the (re)start.
The novelty of pursuing something new from a place of curiosity and not fear was difficult for me to parse, I admit. I suppose that is because with age, I have come to realize that curiosity is not always accepted (cue adage “curiosity killed the cat”). So over time, and without realizing, I began to internalize not an appreciation of curiosity, but rather a shame around yearning to change. I self flagellated with notions that perhaps my desire for change was not due to some noble pursuit of expanding my life experiences, but rather that I was just running away. Afraid that if I stayed, I would be found out to be an imposter, or simply not good enough.
I will not entirely deny that there was some semblance of escapism in my decision making back then. But as I reflect on those times now, and with much more compassion, I can see that I was simply searching. Much of my life has been a Goldilocks-esque quest, driven by my unwavering desire to find the “why” and the “what-if”. Thus the (re)start became my best friend.
I sit writing this in the midst of yet another (re)start. One that I did not see coming, but now in the throes of, I am filled with a kind of excitement akin to learning about a new world. At this point of life, now knowing myself in a way that I had not before, surrounded by a beautiful network of loving friends and family, the journey has become more enriched. The textures more visceral, the sounds more resonant, and the colors more vibrant.
As I have continued to expand The Den, I have had the honor of dancing with friends in this space, each of whom has witnessed a different version of me and have held it with care. Each making an indelible mark upon this space that I am so endlessly curious about what and how it can be.
Dear reader, my message to you is this: just (re)start. Allow yourself to pivot, and trust your intuition. Let it be messy, let it be undefined. But above all, let it be.
xx
Eden
